SyFy is a strange channel. In some ways, they cater perfectly to the geek demographic by focusing solely on one genre we all tend to love, science fiction. On the other hand, it could EASILY be said that SyFy (though having a much stronger game than even a few years ago) does not go out of their way to make the best, big budget stuff they can, ESPECIALLY their films.
It is more like they accept and embrace the B-movie quality of a lot of the stuff they release and embrace it rather than shun it. But for movies like MegaSharktoPussy Attacks L.A (a name I totes made up by the way), they know it needs to be bad and campy or else it will come across as just too awful. So they seem to embrace that self aware cheesiness, especially with their bad sci fi movie. So I thought to myself and pitched to my editor, what harm could there be in making up 6 of my own SyFy movie plots right now and pitching them directly to SyFy through this article. Can’t hurt, right?
Okay, buckle in kids because I am about to SyFy the shit out of you, maybe literally.
Awesome SyFy Movie Ideas
Radioactive Space Bears from Space™
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of weird sci fi movies out there, but mine takes it to a new level never before reached. Well, one sketch from a comedy show dared breach it (which you can see above), but this film will take the idea and really stretch it paper thin.
I had originally written a whole spec script around this on my old site, and thought right now would be a great time to pitch it again. Radioactive Space Bears from Space (basically b-roll footage of a bear colored green in post production). a film about glowing bears that come out of crashed meteors all around earth and turn anything they attack into a fellow space bears so they can assimilate our planet.
It comes down to one somewhat ugly Canadian actor playing a sheriff and his distant teenage son, Trevoris, to figure out how to stop this plague whilst also reforming the bond they lost when Mum turned Space Bear.
That shit is gold.™
Name alone, I just won an Oscar. Has any other name for a movie more astutely summed up a movie? I think not. You read Toilet Spiders, you already know, damn, those must be spiders that come out of our toilets, that is unnerving! Yes, yes it is, and that is exactly what a Toilet Spider is.
Come to find out, a shitty company that tests makeup on bugs and animals tested a water antigen on some spiders and they took to it and evolved, using our own intricate sewer system to systematically invade every home and turn them into cocoons.
It comes down to one somewhat ugly Canadian actor playing a sheriff and his distant teenage son, Travisor, who must solve the problem before the world turns into one giant cocoon (whilst also saving their own waning relationship because of the death of the OTHER, better son, Seanstin).™
Terror Trees (or) Ent’Times™
Remember the Ents from the Lord of the Rings trilogy (giant walking trees with sage like wisdom)? Now I want you to imagine them after 2000 years of being cut down and slaughtered by humans. Yes, I am talking about a fucking movie about living trees that kill an entire logging company (for their own survival, there will be a pro-nature subtext in this movie that will be about as subtle as a homeless guy flashing his dick for attention).
In the end, it will all come down to one rather unattractive male Canadian playing a sheriff and his long divorced wife, Sharonster, reconciled for the day to sign the divorce papers, to team up and figure out how to keep both the trees AND the people alive.
Spoiler alert because the end of this one gets you right in the gut:
They decided to let the trees have the planet back and use the humans as mulch to feed THEM! I know, I am a genius. Just tell someone at SyFy that please?™
Future Police Force: 2025™
In the not-so-distant future, it has already happened. Robots that look suspiciously like the T800 from the first Terminator take over Earth in a matter of 72 hours. At the 68th hour, the President (we will call him President Chump in the movie) puts together a ragtag team (because all super teams put together have to be ragtag, why, no idea, just a writer thing) who have just enough fighting history and legacy to be America’s only hope in what seems like their final hour. Thus the Future Police Force:2025 is put together to counteract this threat.
Of course, they all die within the first hour and it comes down to a single dad/Sheriff, played by a fairly unattractive Canadian actor who was spending the weekend rebonding with his daughter (Rubinastin) and now the only way they can bond is by stopping the robots when the future police can’t.
This one has a robot on human sex scene, but very tastefully done. If that doesn’t sell you, your network might be broken.™
E.L.E 4.5: The Phone-ening (or) Fatal Connection™
E.L.E 4.5 will be the four point fifth movie in a five part trilogy starting at 4.5. The E.L.E here stands for extinction level event, and the actual event will blow your minds. LITERALLY.
People’s cell phones start exploding their brains. No one knows how or why, but one ugly ass Canadian sheriff will take it upon himself (and his estranged dog, Estherina), hoping with their combined dog and human intelligence can find an answer long before the last head explodes.
Spoiler alert, this one has a SUPER subtle message about how our dependence on technology will lead to our demise. Deep shit, yo. Plus, that name would have mad cats drooling with anticipation at what all those letters and numbers could mean.™
Stupid people love that shit.
This one might be tough to pull off on regular TV but as long as no one actually calls it a giant, living, breathing tampon in the movie, we will be fine. It is just a big, bloody cotten looking monster who needs to feed on more female blood to stay alive. It does so by ABSORBING the entire female into its being. Once enough women have vanished, female news reporter Gayle Halestorm decides to delve deeper into the conspiracy and realizes that a local Sanitary Napkin facility was built over and ANCIENT Indian Burial Ground and that area has been desecrated, causing this abomination to the birthed to seek out a balance for the lives taken.
Of Course, Gayle dies early, and the thing comes down to one somewhat ugly Canadian actor playing a sheriff and his distant emo, eyeliner wearing son to use this situation to reconnect them as father and son despite their differences all whilst also saving the female population against giant tampons that eat them.™
Weirdest part about this particular story, have not even sold the rights to SyFy yet and it is already up for THREE Emmy’s.
Rock or DIE!™
At a summer camp where teenagers learn how to play music from aged legends (these things actually exist) a group of the older musicians play one of their songs backwards as a joke and don’t you know, THEY UNLEASH ROCK AND PUNK ZOMBIES FROM THE DEAD. No other types, just rock star and punk zombies, because the point is they were brought back because the music was SO FUCKING GOOD they had no choice.
In a strange twist, this summer camp of elders and youngins need to work out a song that is SO BAD, it will drive them back into the ground and THIS is when you hire John Mayer as the Canadian sheriff who comes in and with the help of his drug addled son, Abastionistionington, they use the power of country music to drive the badass zombies back into the ground and they save the day, reaffirming their once solid relationship and proving once and for all that country music sucks donkey d*cks.™
Night of the Living D-Listers™
An EXACT shot for shot remake of Night of the Living Dead, accept instead of zombies, it is all the D-list celebs you put in your films (Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Debbie Gibson, etc etc) and instead of wanting to eat brains they are bashing in doors begging to give autographs and to be pertinent again, only to be shot in the face by everyone mistaking them for lifeless zombies looking for flesh to feed off of, because come on, at the end of the day, are zombies and D-list celebs that different? No, no they are not.
They are both rotting remnants of the past and both just need a little ‘something something’ to keep them going. Bam. I just wrote you guys six of the best flicks you could ever want, and the funny thing is, you are STILL gonna hire shitty writers who don’t get what you do rather than actually hit me up and get some self-aware shit that propels your network to the true next level.™
Like the Joker said, if you are good at something, NEVER do it for free. So SyFy, hit me up and let’s crunch some numbers and start shitting pure gold together.