Video game movies suck. They suck the ass of a dead donkey who has been rotting on the side of the road in Texas for two weeks while being raped by other dead animals. They suck like a thousand vacuums all sucking at once like a sonic suck symphony. They suck as much as your dirty ex who cheated on you by sucking something else. They suck the way a leech does, draining your life without you even knowing it. They suck like Dracula, except without the cool cape. The suck so bad, one may have to ask, why do video game movies suck so bad?
Well, I KNOW WHY!
First of all, the main reasons video game movies suck like a whore is because they ARE acts of whoring. Some fat ass movie publisher heard his kid gushing about some video game, and looked into it. Game has massive sales. Well, fat ass thinks: if we make a movie we will bring in same numbers. Same audience. Even if it sucks.
So they buy the I.P. This actually should fall back on the game publisher. DON’T SELL YOUR I.P’s TO FUCKING UWE BOLLE! How hard is that to NOT do? Problem is, publishers are fat cats too, and believe it or not, even if they make great games, THEY JUST WANT TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. So some asshole who knows nothing about video game suddenly finds himself making a video game movie.
See where this is a problem?
Source Material (and Fans) Ignored
So now, some rich, fat, white piece of shit gets his hands on the I.P. He can now name his or her movie whatever the name of the game is. THAT is where they stop giving a shit about source material. Literally, in that exact moment. You see, inside their fat, bloated skulls, THEY THINK THE NAME IS GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO BRING IN THAT ENTIRE FAN BASE. They are wrong. When you make a Super Mario Brothers movie that takes place in a Blade Runner-esque future society, the fans ARE going to crucify you, justifiably. Because you suck monkey dick.
How you actually do it is, you then HIRE THE SAME WRITERS OF THE GAME to convert that story or world into a cohesive script. This is not what Hollywood does. It calls poor, sad, cheap writers like me to bang out a quick script they can vastly underpay me for so that they can spit the movie out as fast as possible. This means the only thing that stays the same is the name. Christ, look at the Hitman movies. Take a fucking spy who’s WHOLE JOB is to take people out quietly and covertly and you turn him into John fucking McClain, shooting thousands of people while spinning in slow motion.
Fuck off with that shit.
How To Do It Right
I wish I could take this article and mail into every fucker in Hollywood and ensure there was someone there to JAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS UNTIL THEY DIE! This is how you make a video game movie:
You take the plot and central characters from the game and you adapt it into a movie. You don’t take liberties. You don’t write a story that pays no fan service to the people who made the game famous. You put it EXACT MOMENTS FROM THE GAME so people who play said game can geek out (note, the only good scene in the Doom movie is the DOPE 1st person scene, and it lasts negative 16 seconds). Give us a similar ending. Give us similar and recognizable characters who were part of the game’s lore. Hell, you can even expand on it if your ideas BENEFIT the arc of the games. But that’s it. To make a decent video game movie you ACTUALLY HAVE TO FOLLOW THE PLOT OF THE FUCKING GAMES!
Why is that so hard?
So Hollywood, Cut The Shit!
Stop raping our favorite franchises for a few dollars. It is quite clear the people behind these movies know nothing about games and know nothing about adaptations that do justice to the original work. You keep making our great games into shitty movies, I will eventually show up at your house and turn your kids into Siamese twins with some fucking super glue. Game Over. I win. Test me, I dare you….